And the story goes...

This story begins in 2019. At that time, I had just graduated and had my graduation ceremony in April. Right after graduation, I went back home to my parents’ house to look for a job and became more active in blogging. Actually, I had been active even before graduating. Because of that, I made a lot of new friends—friends whom I am still connected with even now. Isn’t it magical?

I was in a phase of life crisis as a 25-year-old girl, wondering where my life would go next. I was still very confused, wanting to work, but it wasn’t that easy. Until my mother had the idea to send me to pursue a master’s degree at UGM. Of course, that offer was very appealing, even though I later found out that to fund it, my mother had to sell her land assets. I felt so guilty. If only I had known that earlier, maybe I would have declined her offer. It would have been better for me to be her personal assistant because she needed one much more.

And yes, I believe it was all part of God’s will. I continued my master’s degree at UGM. Before that, during the month of Ramadan, someone suddenly began to contact me intensively. It turned out that he felt flattered by the comments I wrote on each of his blogs, although I didn’t mean to show interest. I was just playing on social media. However, he took it very seriously. Perhaps it was because he was also in a phase of life crisis at 25 years old, just that he hadn’t graduated and was in a very difficult economic situation.

I don’t know where this thought came from, but he approached a girl. It was somewhat like this: instead of looking for money, he was looking for a girlfriend. 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Maybe that’s what they call the temptation of women, right? Astaghfirullah, forgive me, Lord. Yes, I am friendly with the opposite sex (it’s truly embarrassing). This was because I felt thirsty for attention from men. Since middle school, high school, and college, all of my friends had partners or had been liked by someone. As a result, I felt like I was suppressing desires that were actually a big mistake. Yes, I lost my direction.

Back to him, who was actively approaching me. Maybe because I am a sensitive person, I quickly picked up on signals from someone as transparent as he was. I immediately asked, “Do you like me? Would you marry me?” It was such an embarrassing question, but I understood because I could feel it. And indeed, his answer was “YES,” very confidently, even though the conditions were far from being ready. Graduated? Not yet. Working? Even less so. There were no signs at all.

Stupidly, I just went with the flow. Yes, I took the wrong step. I should have told him, “Let’s take care of ourselves. If we are meant to be together, we will meet again. Right now, let’s just focus on our future.” It should have been like that, but why was I lulled into it? In fact, in his life dictionary, he had no idea when he could get married because he was the backbone of his extended family. It’s very sad.

How could I be approached by someone who was actually not ready for marriage? Was I just a game? 😭 And as we grew closer, little by little, the path opened up. We stumbled and, in a happy ending, we got married. Don’t ask how many tears were shed, how many kilograms I lost, and the mental struggles I experienced in the form of panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. It was truly heavy, but alhamdulillah, I got through it all. Perhaps the lesson was so that I could accompany my three children and prevent them from falling into the same pit as their mother. 😭

Oh Allah, protect my three children.